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andi OH!

[ website | Look at this tangle of thorns. ]
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[15 May 2009|04:37pm]
it's all coming together.
mind the gap

[06 Feb 2009|01:21am]
...dude.
6 fallen|mind the gap

[03 Feb 2009|01:23am]
i have never had so much trouble getting my shit together.
2 fallen|mind the gap

[02 Sep 2008|03:26pm]
[ mood | 8/31/08 ]

one july i fell in love, holding hands on an l-shaped couch. two years later we still stumble through bright mornings trying to find a way to hold on.

we drove through haze, up a dirt trail miles long and hiked looking for waterfalls. when we found one, he asked me to marry him.

margaret atwood said the living bird is not its labeled bones. and i said yes.

10 fallen|mind the gap

you said [17 Jul 2008|02:58am]
"i realized today that so much that's important to us happens to us when we're asleep. as if our subconsciouses love each other."

our mornings are light through closed eyelids, light i can feel all over my skin. years from now i will remember the feeling of being half-asleep and reaching out to say goodbye, only to feel you against my back again as you climb back into bed.

one night at 3 am, you rolled over and held me and said "andi, you're not a broken vending machine," as if to comfort me. i laughed but you didn't wake up. but you're right. i'm not a broken vending machine.

you're on to something.
mind the gap

6/24/08 [24 Jun 2008|01:58am]
[ mood | second assignment ]

met a girl. painted eyes sarah. foul-mouthed dangerous sarah. sarah who'd cried. we were thirteen. her baby floated. the creek ran. she was here.

mind the gap

[15 Feb 2008|11:04pm]
how wonderful that, after all this time, i get to long for something with everything i have.
1 fallen|mind the gap

[08 Jan 2008|09:53am]
i don't know if i'm ready to do this.
1 fallen|mind the gap

[24 Dec 2007|08:20pm]
redlands again, and i realize that everything i've written here has really been a letter to you. i think for now, i'll go back to scribbling drafts on napkins and brochures, scraps of paper that i may never see again once i've given them to you. i think that i've been naive to think what i've written here will be available to me forever. it's a bit of a lie. but more importantly, once i give something to you, it's yours. not mine. i like that idea very much. here's to letting go.
1 fallen|mind the gap

[27 Nov 2007|09:03am]
instead of words, i want your violin. to record everything that words are increasingly useless for. but listening to this i feel as though i can commit my memories to your melody, and finally let them go. because my life is no longer a series of moments. we have each other and then we have each other and then we have each other. oporto. amo-te.
mind the gap

[09 Nov 2007|12:17am]
note to self:

write about late night ihop runs with porn stars, which inevitably end up in nerdy discussions anyway. things to remember: water beds. balloons. pedal-pumping. boy meets world. star wars. etc etc.

life is good.
mind the gap

[13 Sep 2007|02:13am]
"and then came one of those moments. i remember living through one when i was eighteen and spending the afternoon in bed with my first wife, before we were married. our naked bodies started glowing, and the air turned such a strange color i thought my life must be leaving me, and with every young fiber and cell i wanted to hold on to it for another breath...

we put on our clothes, she and i, and walked out into a town flooded ankle-deep with white, buoyant stones. birth should have been like that..."


i have never believed in the idea that life is short. last night, with my arms around you and our legs and lungs linked, that changed. these moments are finite. but goddamnit, i've had you here with me. we've changed the color of the air together and we have spent days doing nothing but touch. we're alive, which is all i could ask for. to home, lover, and the journey to the end of the white buoyant stones...

"i felt like i'd only blinked my eyes, but when i opened them my girlfriend and a mexican neighbor were working on me, doing everything they could to bring me back. the mexican was saying: there, he's coming around now.

we lived in a tiny, dirty apartment. when i realized how long i'd been out and how close i'd come to leaving it forever, our little home seemed to glitter like cheap jewelry. i was overjoyed not to be dead. generally the closest i ever came to wondering about the meaning of it all was to consider that i must be the victim of a joke. there was no touching the hem of mystery, no little occasion when any of us thought--well, speaking for myself only, i suppose--that our lungs were filled with light, or anything like that. i had a moment's glory that night, though. i was certain i was here in this world because i couldn't tolerate any other place..."
1 fallen|mind the gap

[27 Aug 2007|11:07am]
"Writer's Block: Time Travel
If you could travel back in time to spend a day with someone, who would it be and why?"


i'm inclined to believe it doesn't even matter if these things are coincidences or bona fide messages from God. i came here with the answer to that question already coursing through my thoughts. you have a beautiful name that i like to write in margins and on the backs of pages when i want to remember life. on one sunny day i wrote your name twenty times on the college ruled lines of my yellow notebook, trying to access universes where you and i took swing class.

what can i say? i'm naive as fuck and still attached to the idea that all moments exist somewhere, that spending another day with you could only be the result of a rewind. i could never change your mind. but i also believe that i can keep you alive by remembering beautiful days and that one day we will be able to jump from these trains and run the other way, to you. wait for us. we're coming.
mind the gap

[06 Jul 2007|11:01am]
coltrane spoke his prayers through his saxophone, told you he loved you as i do. we can only understand words through reading and listening. but not you. i will tell you i love you by tracing my prayers on his skin. you must have been there, in france in 1964, as you must also be there in those transcendental mornings where there is nothing but us and air and light. a love supreme. feel it.
mind the gap

[04 Jul 2007|11:18pm]
i like fireworks so big and close you could almost grab them, take them home. tonight they echoed off the lincoln memorial and filled the sky with light and smoke.

and yet all i can think about is the hate i have. for telephones. distance. for things i thought i could change. i'm trying, aren't i?

she said: it's not your fault; making checkmarks in blue. and then offered me a life in a childproof labeled bottle. i said no and believed that she was wrong. and i sang, alone in dark rooms: god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.

there was another night in redlands, and it went like this: i was alone, and it was dark, and i kept mistaking my heartbeat for his footsteps on the stairs. bloody your hands on a cactus tree.... here's what i learned from that night: i need you most when i absolutely hate you.

...wipe it on your dress and send it to me.
2 fallen|mind the gap

[04 Jul 2007|06:15pm]
today I walked constitution avenue next to floats and music and beautiful dancers, broke the strap on my blue summer dress. it's hot outside, but there are thunderstorms, and the national mall is today an empty field. fireworks. everyone is hoping that the tornado warnings were premature, that the fireworks will continue. but in its way today has been a beautiful day, and i only wish that i'd had certain people here to share it with. home, darling, is anywhere with you.
mind the gap

[03 Jul 2007|08:10am]
What a strange week this has been. But this city is surprisingly beautiful, and I can feel in the air how important this summer will be.
mind the gap

[24 Jun 2007|09:15am]
These last few days have been beautiful. what we're looking for in each other is each other... Stay with me forever, will you, kid?
mind the gap

[23 Jun 2007|12:08pm]
going away + birthday thingCollapse )
3 fallen|mind the gap

[11 Jun 2007|11:02am]
briangotback: so how badass would i be if i registered www.fuckyousam.com ?
briangotback: im thinking pretty badass.
briangotback: im tempted to do it so i can get my noreally@fuckyousam.com email address.

Get in touch with me at lightningboltsucks@fuckyousam.com.
3 fallen|mind the gap

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